Life, Death, Sickness How It Affects Your Life 

Life, death, sickness affects some one’s life in some bad ways and you don’t try to let it affect your life but it’s near dang impossible to do because I had to watch my baby daughter Lily die and suffer for her short brief time here on earth and now I’m watching her mother do the same thing but this case with her mother is a long suffering torturous death sentence that I’m witnessing each day, night without any relief from it

And as I feel like I’m helpless 
And I am supporting her in every way I know how to but it doesn’t meet my standards 

And this is making me see and feel that my heart is harshly turning bitterly cold because I am a witness, witnessing this through my eyes each day, night making me think why does people have to watch someone you love so much suffer through pain, hurt, sickness as you feel that you aren’t doing your best for them 

And if you mention this to the one that’s suffering this they will say you are helping me more than you know or realize and for you not to worry or think otherwise because you have saved me in a million ways, in a million lifetimes already because you are my hero that has made my sickness your conquest to conquer and rescue me from time and time again

And it’s making me a angry man to have to sit by feeling what feel by just being here and not being able to do more than I’m doing already and feeling like I am not helping the situation at all and how do I stop these feelings before it makes me miss out on the end of her life without even knowing that I am missing it 

And I’m hurting inside that I feel like I’m losing my life because she’s my life, she’s my world and this is ripping my own heart from my chest and jackhammering it beyond hells gates until it’s broken into a zillion~billion pieces that cannot be repaired 

And why does an illness, disease or a on coming death hurt this bad but as I sit here wondering why can’t I take her place because I would in a heart beat 

And I fear when her breathing stops one day that it will be her last one that I will not be able to bring her back from because I have had to do CRP on her before to get a heart beat back and oxygen back in her lungs and I fear one day when I walk in that I will find her laying there dead and her dying all alone when me or our children are not at home 

And as I see her suffer through not being able to intake food or liquids or her own saliva without having difficulties swallowing it without choking on it and the next move is a feeding tube being placed in so she can have that nourishment to keep her living and here with me for as long as I can keep her here with me 

And me seeing all the medical procedures being done on her like she’s the doctor’s lab rat or subject that their testing on and all of their medical treatments that is still in medical trials that they are doing on her and makes me see that there’s nothing that she will not try or do the extend her life here with me and our children  

And this is taking a toll on me because I never imagined having to witness someone that I love deeply, madly, and unconditionally die a slow painful death 

And could you imagine having a long needle filled with a blocking medicine to stop the pain for a short time being placed into your lower portion of your skull and in your neck and then in your shoulders and these shots they give her are about 10~12 of them that do give her and I couldn’t honestly do it myself because she takes them without moving a muscle or flinching or making a sound and she’s one heck of a woman for enduring these shots

And this I have to put it out of mind and just enjoy what time I do have left with her in this world no matter the toll it has on me because she’s the most important thing in my life besides our children because I am her support system and I’ve got to suck it up and be her super hero as long as I can be 

© Jeff Glover All Rights Reserved 


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